Letter to my eight-year-old-self

Dear eight-year-old Deborah. This year will be a major turning point in your young life. You will experience some tragic stuff and yes you will be affected for a very long time, but you will overcome this. It may not seem like it, but you will. This year, you will go to church with your family and even though you have been in church off and on as far back as you can remember, this year will be different. You will see things and come to know things that most will not even believe. Your faith will be tested even at a young age, so let’s begin. 

This is the year you will begin to know what true love is, even to the very ones that hurt you. Your life is like a bloody war zone. You will have moments where your bones will be almost broken and twisted and your heart will hurt more than you would even dare to try to understand. You will be told that you are not good enough and that you are not supposed to dream, you cannot have nice things. If it is pretty, you cannot have it. You will lay in bed at night and pray and wish that someone would come in a big car and save you from all the abuse that you were going through. You will feel as if you must fight to be heard because nobody will care what you have to say. You are being abused and it feels like no one cares.  

This year, you will stand at the end of a gun barrel to save the very one that hurt you. You will show that no matter how much pain you feel, life is more important. It’s not up to you or anyone else to take a life. All through your life you will be the one to help preserve life. You are going to be taught compassion for others through much tribulation. But always remember to love others and not grow hard.  

Soon, you will find out that the enemy comes knocking on your door. You are just a child, but the enemy does not care. Even though you have encountered the occult from an early age, this one person is coming to read what she said is your future. The things she tells you will cause extreme anxiety and of course your mom is going to rush you to the hospital, they are not going to know what it is and of course they will misdiagnose you. You will learn many years later about anxiety disorders. However, do not fear, God is the one who holds all of your tomorrows. She will tell you about death, and it will scare you. But let me reassure you, my little eight-year-old Deborah. Death is not what you will come to believe it will be. Many years from now, when you are much older, you will have a dream, as real as can be, you experience what death is like and it will change you forever. So do not be afraid, God will give you so much peace. I just want to tell you to keep believing, do not let others tell what to believe.  

You will come to know things that children are not supposed to know.  You will be continuously interrogated about other people to the point you will withdraw into yourself. And because of the pain in your legs and feet you will have such a hard time. You cannot run or play like other children your age, but you will soon meet another child with the same physical limitations as you. You will both get into landscaping on a much smaller level, such as digging out a live spring of water and turning it into a small pond. Years later you will ride by that place and there will be a huge pond in that very place you both dug out. Your mom instilled in you the love of reading and your new friend, even though time will be short in your friendship, will show you his love of books and cause you to want to be a librarian when you get older. I hate to tell you that you will not become a librarian in this lifetime as you come to know it. However, you will have your very own personal library of digital books. You will see what I mean, years later, so hang on. 

This is the year that you will get to go to Disney world, and yes you will have something to do with it. Out of boredom you will fill out all the entry forms in a public restroom in your mom’s name. Your dad will question it and your mom will give you the evil eye, knowing that you had something to do with it. But you will never open your mouth in acknowledgement. Go and have fun my child, it will be a great memory.  

Dear eight-year-old Deborah. You will grow up feeling like no one knows who you really are, and I hate being the bearer of sad news girl, but you will not have many friends. There will be people that will come in and out of your life for all sorts of reasons. It will seem as if you are the most misunderstood person, but hang in there, many years from now you will come to understand that God had a purpose for this. At this point in your life, you will come face to face with false preachers and you will tell yourself that if this is what being a Christian is all about you do not want any part of it. But later in life you will see that even though there is evil in this world, God has a plan for you, and you will walk every day in His protection, just because now things do not make sense, you will come to know this very truth. 

By now, you will have moved several more times and went to several more schools. School will be stressful for you, because when you are at school you will be preoccupied with the things that are going on at home. And you will feel as if there is no safe place for you anymore. You will have a better understanding of mental illness by now too. The many years that you have faced the mafia with your uncle has only been a delusion of his mind and you will come to find out that it was not you.  Things that you were afraid of such as eclipses of the moon and red lights are not what you thought they were, and you will be all right. This year you will find out that life is not fair, and you are not going to be able to make people like you no matter what you try to do, it is them and you are not going to be responsible for their actions. That my child will be a hard lesson for you to learn, in fact, it will take many, many years.